I have found the moments in my life where I am most sure of myself is when I am doing the absolute worst thing for myself. When I throw myself as hard as I can into the unforgiving ground. That, there, in the seconds before impact, is some of the peace that I find. And I can never explain it to you or anyone else. Because for a second, just a brief second, I enjoy how my body feels. Because when I get up, I might not get up. And that's the test. The test to see if I can cheat again.

The thrill of it is like a drug. Better.

The older I get, the less I believe that I am immortal. My hair has gone white, aches and pains fill my sleepless nights. I worry sometimes that I will never figure out life.

That's why I seek those brief moments. Because there are very few people who can do what I do. And I celebrate it. I'm a survivor, whether I want to acknowledge that or not. Now, almost all that I have survived was created by my own doing. I know that now.

Someday soon, I want to find that peace without feeling the need to giggle in death's face. You have to figure that sooner or later, this body is going to give out or I am going to run out of lives. And the older I get, the less fun it is to crawl along the floor and try and stand up.

Photo - N
Words - S