I have so much to say but I have no more words. I try and I push them and they all come out the same, endless rhetoric and wet face. Talking isn't the same. The language has changed. The feeling has changed and will move and turn and shift. I used to look out and see open road ahead with every keystroke. And now, I don't know. I just don't know from one day to the next what is going to happen. I want off. I want the rollercoaster to explode. I want to take a hammer and smash everything in my path and start again. I wish I could be something else, someone else. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could sit inside where people could look at me. I don't let anyone look me in the eyes. I'm afraid of it. I've sat on this porch for almost a year and I can't think of one positive thing about it. I just...I wish too much. See, I thought the world would change but like Strong City, the world just got different. And I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I wonder if I was on the outside looking in on myself, would I be making fun of me? Probably. I'd probably pull me aside and have a talk. Look, I can do some pretty amazing things. And I have it good. I know it. I am trying every day to just realize and love myself. Isn't that silly? Shouldn't you be born with that? Why do I look to others for it? Why do I get stuck? Why do I misread things and fall and float and end up where I started? Because of me. Do I have to change me? Do I just have to say fuck off for once and stand up and be me and erase erase erase instead of type delete type delete? My friend just came up and told me he loved me out of the blue. And his life is much worse than mine right now. So who knows? I said I have no words and they spill out.

Photo - S
Words - S